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Why Try to Catch the Wind?



Last night I went to visit my brother who is living in a beautiful old fishing harbor town called Whitby. You know, where Dracula lived? I was sitting by the window at midnight, looking out over the still harbor while it rained. The old Abbey was lit up on top of the hill, the church bells chimed and I watched couples walking past, all snuggled up together and merry from a few drinks. It felt good, just breathing it all in. It’s like a step back in time. My brother runs a pub that is really olde worlde; dark wooden ceiling beams, little bar stools and pictures of ancient fishermen lining the walls. Today, I even met the infamous Captain Jack (who was told not to sail his boat to the Arctic but did anyway and was promptly chased by the Navy. They didn’t find him though, because he stole out of the harbor in the early hours after disguising and renaming his boat…more to follow on this fellow another time).

Today I felt strange.

After spending some time with my brother and his girlfriend, I decided to have a mooch about on my own along the pier with a bag of chips and mushy peas (and lashings of salt and vinegar). I wandered about taking in the blue skies, the streets thronged with all sorts of characters (it’s Whitby Goth weekend), and gigantic seagulls. A strange melancholy stole over me though, and I’ve not been able to shake it off. I had to get the bus back to the city as I have work early tomorrow, but instead of getting the last bus as planned, I opted to take an earlier one (restless). When I got off the bus and made my way through the streets to get home, it occurred to me that this melancholy feeling…is it because I feel like an observer of life at the moment, rather than a participant? I look around and see groups of people talking, laughing. I see couples walking along arms around shoulders and hand in hand. I’m fascinated by couples. I see them and wonder how did they meet? What do they talk about? Do they feel enclosed in their own little bubble against the world? Do they feel safe and content? Does this make me creepy?!

I’m fascinated, because I remember (vaguely) what it felt like to have someone’s arm around me, to feel warm inside (and out) in that embrace. I remember that feeling of being content and ‘in love’. A happiness that bubbled around inside. I remember each moment was an end in itself, I never seemed too preoccupied with what would be happening in an hour, a day or a week. Each moment felt significant because I was sharing it with somebody else, somebody special. Today, I guess I felt like a bit of a loner. The worst of it is, I chose this. Is it better to hang about with just anyone (even if they do your head in and grate on you) than not to share these moments with a single soul? Most days I’m optimistic. Today…perhaps it was just one of those days. Can’t be singing and skipping down the street every day can you?

I got home and settled myself in my room and just thought: Fucking-hell. It’s Friday night. I’m twenty-eight. What am I doing sitting in with nothing but an electric heater for company? That’s the choice I made though, when I gave up the job and money in order to study. I knew there would be sacrifices, and although I say money is sod all…it still helps to live a life (and to be able to go out on the razz when the mood takes me). Hmmm. I have a confession. I logged onto my old facebook account to see what I was missing in the world. The first picture I see is of my beautiful little Niece dressed up for Halloween. I got a lump in my throat. It seems like everyone else is living and here’s me, isolating the fuck out of life and missing all the important stuff.

Jeez. Have you heard me?! Right, I think what’s in order here, is a cup of tea and a couple of fags until this all blows over. It’s so easy to let your thoughts run away with themselves until you end up wallowing in self pity…which is the way I’m going right now unless I take drastic action! It’s just one night! Maybe I will fuck the budget right off tomorrow and get myself out with a good friend.

Apologies if I’ve brought a dark cloud over anyone’s head tonight. While I’m having my tea and a smoke, I’m going to think of something positive to write. It’s the way forward. You don’t see the light by studying the dark.

Ta-ta for now!

K



The BEST holidays

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