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New Year’s Resolutions Are Bullshit.

Oh shit it’s gonna be 2012 in a couple of days, kids! Come Sunday everybody will be all hungover and talking about all the improvements they’re going to make in their life this year. 2012 is gonna be the year that we’re all going to do it right! According to wikipedia, the five most popular resolutions this year are

*Be financially-savvy.
*Read at least one book per month.
*Eat properly.
*Get enough sleep.
*Keep a journal of awesome moments.

Alright. If the way you’re going to improve your life is by sleeping more you either have no problems or hate putting effort into things and keeping a journal of awesome moments sounds exactly like something a person that is the exact opposite of awesome would do.

New Year’s Resolutions are supposed to be making an actual change in your life for the better, not napping. If you want some actual resolutions here’s some suggestions.

Become addicted to crack. Beat crack addiction.
I feel like if you can overcome crack addiction you can overcome pretty much anything.

Beat up Chuck Norris.
Think about it. He’s 71 years old. I’m pretty sure you can take him by now.

This picture was taken in 1910. That's why it's in black and white. He had to stand like that for ten minutes for the camera to take the picture.

Get a Guinness World Record in something.
Breaking a world record sounds pretty hard but you can probably just make a world record nobody’s thought of yet like “most pencils in nose” or “longest bellybutton” (I actually don’t know how you’d go about making your belly button longer). this guy holds the record for most records set at over 300 and most of them are just stuff like “underwater pogosticking” and “doing front rolls (somersaults) for 12 miles”.

Build a Zepplin
All you need is some helium balloons and a lawn chair. That’s what Larry Walters did. Be careful though. He ended up committing suicide several years later so maybe he saw something up there in the clouds…

I have actually wanted to do this for a long time.

So there you go, people. Do any one of these or, even better, do them all! When your local newspaper reports that “Former crack addict and world record holding balloonist (insert your name here) assaults Martial Arts legend Chuck Norris” you can cut it out and put it in your journal of awesome moments. Have a happy new year.

The BEST holidays

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