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I’ve been meaning to explore how I feel my identity has changed since I have become a mother.  It is a bit intimidating of a topic, so I’ve been putting it off.

I railed against becoming a mother for so long, that I have to look back on my reasoning and think about why I made the choices I did.

On a whole, I guess I’m surprised by how much I haven’t changed psychologically.  I still crack jokes, and am sarcastic.  My personality is still the same.

Physically, things are different.  My breasts sag much more than before, even after only 4 months of pumping.  I have stretch marks on my lower belly.  I don’t work out 3 times a week anymore, and my muscles, such that they were, are now gone.  I still fit into all my old clothes though, which is something that I never expected to happen.  I also got down to my prepregnancy weight pretty quickly.  Though I needed to lose 30 pounds prior to getting pregnant.  I used to swim, spin, lift weights, and go to step classes about 3 times a week.  Now I’m lucky if I go and do the elliptical machine for 30 minutes 3 times a month.  If I go after work, I miss seeing my son for that night.  He goes to bed before I would get back.  So I can only really talk myself into working out once a week.

People also treat me differently now.  They find it easier to relate to me. It’s an easy touchstone to begin conversation. And weirdly, being a mother has also aged me in their eyes.  Just this year I started to be the brunt of good-natured jokes about my age.  I didn’t think that 33 is that old, but apparently, it is if you have a child.

I never was much of a night owl, or traveler.  I liked going on vacation once a year, but having a baby hasn’t really changed that aspect of my life or my identity that much.  Though, now that I can’t do it, travel has become this fantasy of mine.  At work, when I’m having a bad day, I go to and pretend I’m booking a fabulous vacation at some beach resort.  Truthfully, I know that I never really loved beaches because I am super fair and burn really easily.  I also hate wearing a bathing suit in public and I’m not good at beach wear in general. (A lot of those frilly loose dresses require that the wearer refrain from wearing a bra.)  But in my mind I’m wearing a swingy fashionable dress over a bathingsuit…hell, a two-piece (it’s my fantasy, right?)  And I am sitting on a chair near a blue ocean with a frothy cocktail, and a book.  I am squishing sand in my toes, and I have a large umbrella over me.  And I’m deliciously tan.  There are a few other people on the beach, but other than children’s calls and laughter, I can only hear ocean.

The BEST holidays

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